*Satire
I’m still struggling to accept that tractors built in 1925 are now considered antiques. That just doesn’t sit right with me.
I always figured the magic number was 100 years. If your engine or tractor hit the century mark, congrats, it’s an antique. But here we are in 2025, and that logic has betrayed me.
Before you know it, it’ll be 2030… then 2040… and suddenly, people will be calling tractors from the 1930s and 1940s antiques. And that, my friends, is where I draw the line. We need some serious rules to keep antique tractors from getting lumped in with classics, vintage models, and—heaven forbid—those dreadful muscle tractors. Otherwise, what’s next? Calling a John Deere 4020 an artifact? I shudder at the thought.
Let’s begin!
Rubber Tires
If your tractor came factory-fresh with rubber tires, I hate to break it to you, but it’s not an antique.
Allis-Chalmers kicked off this whole rubber revolution in 1933 with the standard-tread Model U, ruining the suffering and bumpy rides that real antique tractor owners love so much. Now, I’m not saying every tractor built before 1933 automatically earns antique status, but if your tractor could be ordered with rubber tires when it was new, then it doesn’t make the cut.
I get it, this sets the bar so low you could trip over it. Does that mean a John Deere Model D or a McCormick-Deering 10-20 or 15-30 might actually be antiques? Maybe. A Farmall Regular? Probably. But hey, I have to live with that call, and so do you.
And before anyone gets any bright ideas—slapping steel wheels on a tractor that was born with rubber doesn’t magically make it an antique. If you decide to Amish up your John Deere 4320 with a set of steel wheels, all you’ve done is create a slow, miserable ride—not an antique. Plus, let’s be honest, it still won’t pass my other highly scientific criteria.
Power Steering
If your tractor rolled off the assembly line with power steering—or worse, if you could waltz into a dealership and order it with power steering—congratulations your farm tractor is not an antique.
Now, before the steam crowd starts waving their pressure gauges at me, yes, I know some steam engines had power steering. But those were powered by the sheer will of boiling water and, therefore, get a free pass.
To really spell it out: If your tractor relies on hydraulic fluid or electric power steering to save your arms from a workout, it’s not an antique—it’s just old.
Transmission Speed
If your tractor has more than five speeds, I’ve got bad news for you—it’s not an antique. Real antique tractors weren’t built for speed. They were designed for a leisurely crawl, topping out at a blistering maybe 4 miles per hour. Any faster, and you’re basically driving a sports car.
Actually, now that I think about it, five speeds is way too generous. Let’s cut that down. Two forward gears, two reverse. That’s it. Low and lower—that’s the true antique experience. Anything more, and you’re just shifting your way out of the antique club.
Seat
If your tractor seat is actually comfortable, I hate to break it to you, but it’s not an antique. Real antique tractor seats are made of stamped steel or cast iron—designed not for comfort, but for character-building. Sit too long, and you’ll feel every bolt, every bump, and every regret.
And let’s not forget the suspension system—or lack thereof. A single leaf of spring steel is all you get, ensuring that every rock, rut, and molehill sends you bouncing like a popcorn kernel in a hot pan. That’s the antique experience.
So, to those of you sitting pretty on cushioned, air-ride seats, enjoying your smooth ride—you might have a nice tractor, but an antique? Never.
Starter
If you don’t have to risk life and limb by yanking a flywheel or cranking a handle that might snap your arm in half, then congratulations—you don’t have an antique tractor. If your tractor starts with the simple push of a button, then NOPE. That’s modern luxury, not antique suffering.
A real antique tractor demands a single-cylinder, gas-powered starting motor—one that kicks to life with a deafening bang and a violent shake, all while belching out enough fumes to make your clothes permanently smell like gasoline and poor decisions.
If firing up your tractor doesn’t leave you engulfed in a thick, choking cloud of smoke while questioning your life choices, then sorry, it’s just not an antique.
In Conclusion
Are there more criteria for a tractor to be considered an antique? Absolutely. Do I feel like coming up with more? Nope. I’ve done my civic duty.
This should be more than enough to weed out any so-called “antiques” that are really just classic, vintage, or—heaven help us—muscle tractors in disguise. If your tractor starts easily, moves faster than a snail, or doesn’t actively try to injure you while you operate it, then sorry, it’s just old, not antique.
And if you still think your tractor qualifies despite all this, well… enjoy your “antique” with power steering, rubber tires, a comfy seat, and an electric starter. Just know that deep down, the real antique tractors are laughing at you.
by Antique Tractor Life 2025, copyright 2025
0